伦理丧失了，各种恶俗英式段子的逆袭（绝对精华版）

糖栗子树

I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my cock to the sight of a girl yawning.
我应该不是唯一一个看见木耳打哈欠就浮现出把我JJ放进去的男人吧。

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still."What are you doing?""Something I learnt from online ****. It's called 'buffering'."
那天我正在激烈的活塞运动，突然，我停下来定住不动了。你干吗呢？这是我从在线毛片里学的新招，叫做 “缓冲”。

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won’t take it up the arse cause it ’hurts’.
女人啊女人！隆胸、垫鼻子、洁牙、缩腹、吸脂、灌肠、打肉毒、穿耳洞、打乳环、肚脐眼和小妹妹上也不放过、拔眉毛、除体毛、刮腋毛、纹唇线、热蜡除毛、节食、运动。
然后我说插一下pp吧，人家说疼！

A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies, "You've got a bigger dick than your brother."
我跟我老婆说，你能同时讲个好消息和坏消息吗？我老婆回答，你比你哥JJ大。

Men can’t do two things at once." "Well, while I was ****ing you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
“男人不可能同一时间做两件事情！”“谁说的，昨天晚上我干你的时候，同时想着你的朋友。”

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex。Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
最近一项研究显示50%的新婚人士想要尝试插下pp，换句话说，那不就是全部的新郎吗？

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
如果你强上了一个*河蟹*，这算奸呢，还是盗呢？


You can tell my girlfriend’s really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them
我女朋友是如假包换的日本妞。她下面有股气场可以给周围空气打上马赛克。

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex。Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
女儿大了，开始问一些和性有关的问题了，真是尴尬。今天早上她就问我，你就这点能耐了是吧？

I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted. What kind of daughter charges her own father? 　　 　　
那天我看报纸说，有个老爸给闺女钱嘿咻，真是太恶心了~ 怎么会有女儿还收老爸钱的？

Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick. Should I tell him that he's gay?
我每天晚上都梦见最好的朋友在舔我的JJ我是不是应该告诉他他是个基佬？

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
我总算报了圣诞购物的一箭之仇，我带女朋友连续去了8家酒吧，一杯酒都没买！然后回到第一家买了一杯~

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. 　　I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone. 　　 　　
奥巴马发表就职演说的时候，是站在3英寸厚的防弹玻璃后面的。 我觉得这有点过了 ，他是黑人又不表示他会开枪打人。

A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for ￡5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?" 　　 　
公交车上有个女孩收了我5镑，给我。。搞定后，她抹抹嘴点了根儿烟 ，我愤慨了，世界都变成什么样子了！12岁的女孩有人卖烟给她！

A South Korean guy gets on a bus with his guide dog。The bus driver says, "Sorry sir, no food or drink allowed on here."
一个韩国人带着他的导盲犬要上公交车。司机说，不好意思先生，车上严禁饮食。

The only thing more disgusting than '2 Girls 1 Cup', is the fact that it gave me an erection.
两女一杯最恶心的一点是，我竟然可耻地硬了。

I made a video of my two daughters last night but they ruined it by squabbling。They wanted to have a cup each。
昨天晚上我叫自家的两个女儿拍摄 “两女一杯”，最后闹的不欢而散。她们每个人都想要一杯。

I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning。However, I've now lost my job on the emergency services desk.
今天早上我成功滴识破了大约50个愚人节笑话，然后我丢了这份急救中心前台的工作。

How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?Phone her up and tell her about it!
你知道嘿咻的时候怎么让你女朋友哭吗？打电话告诉她你正嘿咻呢！

My wife and I were at a restaurant last night. She thought I was being romantic playing footsie with her under the table...Thank **** she didn't see me step in that massive dog shit outside.
我和老婆昨天晚上在餐厅吃饭。她觉得我一直用脚在桌子下面撩拨她实在是太浪漫了。多亏她没看见我在外面踩的那一大滩狗屎。

My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not... read this again."
我喝酒的时候最爱给老婆发的短信是“过5分钟就回家。。。如果没回。。。把这条短信再看一遍”

didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be killed by a cucumber.
我一路厮杀到食物链顶端，结果竟然被黄瓜灭了？

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
老婆刚生完BB，我问医生：“我们多久之后可以开始嘿咻？”他冲我挤挤眼睛说“那个，我10分钟后就下班，停车场见”

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
一个男人抱着一只羊走进卧室说：“这就是你头疼的时候和我上床的猪。”他老婆说：“你抱的不是羊吗？”他回答：“我刚跟羊讲话呢。”